When I started my yogic training I thought I had an understanding about the deeper aspects of yoga. It was more than just being bendy. What I didn’t know is just how much bigger the practice was. When I found myself signing for training as a Yogi I was already on the path of self realization. I had graduated from 2 coaching programs and had several years of Al-Anon under my belt. I had also done a breathwork retreat and not one but two Ayahuasca retreats. Drinking tea
The studio where I signed up required an interview prior to accepting new students. The owner of the studio wanted to make sure the folks that enrolled understood that this was a powerful transformational modality. (see my other blog post on Trasformational v. Topical change)
There are many parts to Yoga and, and yes some of these practices are body centric. We are using postures to strengthen use where we are weak and stretch us where we are tight. In addition we use the postures to balance the body to put us in better alignment.
I was surprised that we didn’t just dive in on day one of our first intensive weekend and get to work on postures and their magical Sanskrit names. We were just sitting there on the floor talking. Talking about the human condition. The way our brains work and how we move through the world…. out there in the world. We were asked to set appointments with staff to have one-on-ones where we could take a deeper into our own issues. We were looking for the things in our life that were causing us pain and suffering. What? I though I was here to learn Yoga!! It was. Yogi’s don’t differentiate between body, breath, brain, life issues going on in our lives. This may be because they are all so interrelated.
A few weeks later we finally got around to actually doing what I thought we were there to do - Postures and Poses. I was so excited we were going to be workshoping the “Tree” pose. Although we didn’t call it that… If you’ve been following my blog we don’t use posture names. I was ready. Ready to show off, ready to perform. Not only am I bendy but I, for my age, have good balance. I was front and center a room filled with about 35 Teacher Trainees. Many of them much younger (and thinner) than me. Mind you we had already had already been exposed to this idea that what we do in the studio and what happens in the studio ofen shows up in the “real” world. Insert eye roll here. Let’s just DO this I was thinking. We painstakingly went through how to describe where to put our feet, how to stand what to think about. Step by step. “I know how to do this!” I was thinking. And then it happened. I fell out of the tree in front of everyone. Mister Perfect lost his balance and had to put his foot down. I was devastated. Why here why now … I can’t possibly fail here in front of all these Yoga Teacher Trainees. I wanted to die.
It probably wasn’t until months later that I finally got it. That moment. My moment of shame and humiliation was sometimes how I show up out in the real world. It finally dawned on me that this level of perfectionism was not serving me. Neither in the studio or out. Further exploration on this topic unveiled the level of importance I was giving to what other people thought. This was a very humbling experience. I had realized that if all I was concerned about was what other people think, I wasn’t taking risks; I wasn’t growing and I wasn’t learning.
I invite you to consider what shows up in your practice. Where does your brain go? Are you comparing yourself to others? Are you judging other in the room? Are you pushing too hard? Or not hard enough? Do the things that so up when you are in a yoga class or meditation show up in the rest of your life? As my Yogi, Chris Acosta always said, “Yoga is HARD. But it’s not always hard where you think it might be.”
Let me know what shows up for you?